Harder Than Expected

This week has already gone much harder than expected.  The vomiting began last night before bed and she was still dry heaving when we arrived for more of this toxic wonder drug today.  When we arrived the protein levels in her urine were too high to begin chemo so we had to wait hours to begin before they dropped.  Chemo can cause cystic hemorrhaging in your kidneys, so they monitor the levels very closely.

We met with our Stem Cell Coordinator this morning who went over the daily shots we will begin giving her at home at the the end of this week.  They’ll help her counts rise to their peak level in time for her harvest admit on the 13th.  She also began to go into detail about the Stem Cell Transplant itself, which will probably be the most difficult piece of this treatment.  It’s when will stay here at least a month waiting for her body to recover.

In about an hour they’ll place the feeding tube in her nose, down her throat and into her stomach.  I guess I had assumed they would sedate kids for something like that, but unfortunately it’s not the case.  They simply restrain them.  It’s held in place by a single piece of tape on the side of her face.  All morning I’ve been versed in the appropriate steps to follow if and when she rips it out at home.

Later today we’ll start giving her meds through the tube and tomorrow we’ll begin the feeds.  Her feeds will run through a pump overnight for 12 hours.  As with a newborn we’ll get up every four hours to change the bag.  With each additional round of chemo we’ll decrease the amount of formula she’s receiving.  There’s no point giving it to her only for her to throw it back up.

It’s hard to believe that only eight days ago she had hair.  Only eight days ago, and today I’ll leave with someone practically unrecognizable.  Bald with a tube hanging out of her nose taped across the side of her face.  Tape that has been eating away her skin.  When they changed  her central line dressing yesterday the entire site was completely red and at the outskirts of where it had been was raw, bloody skin. Your gut tells you just to leave the dressing off a while so it can breath, but you can’t let the site stay open for more than a couple minutes. Even then everyone in the room has to where a mask to prevent infection.  They covered it back up immediately, but this time with something hypo-allergenic.  Hopefully that will help.

I won’t pretend that every day I feel strong and hopeful.  The past 24 hours have been some of the hardest yet and they continue to paint a picture for me that gets more and more grim.  I anticipate the week getting harder with a tube down her throat.  I’m told it takes days for kids to get used to that sensation.

This is usually the part of my blog where I throw in something adorable she said, something encouraging I’ve read, or a promise from the Lord I know I can fall back on.  But I don’t have any of that in me today.

31 Replies to “Harder Than Expected”

  1. Maybe not everyday deserves a verse…but know the rest of us are praying so hard. We will read and recite verses for you. We all need to be your support system. I know you don’t know me, but I am here for you. I don’t know how to help you or the family or even pretend to know, but I can say I’m here. If you know of something I can do, just say the words it and will be done.

  2. I’m sorry Izzy has to experience this horror Nd that you have to watch your baby endure such things. I’m still praying and believing for God to heal Izzy. I don’t understand why He hasn’t. I pray that God would hold her and you close and that He would grant you all great comfort and endurance.

  3. I have read Izzystory with increasing wonder at your ability to endure so much. I pray for you and your family every night. Please know that you are an encouragement to a lot of people and that you are loved.

    1. Always, always praying for you. For Izzy. For Carter and Kendrick. I pray for daily reminders for you from God that you are being cared for and that you are being carried. ❤

  4. Here is what I have to say. I love you and am holding you all in my prayers. I cannot imagine what you yourself are going thru. From one Mom to another Mom…my heart aches for you. And my heart aches for Izzy. Having said that, don’t forget about “the branch” at your home that held the tree. You have lots and lots of “branches” holding you guys up in prayer. “Branches” that never really stop thinking of you. “Branches” that love you so much. Of course, God is the MAIN BRANCH. And we “branches” are all “talking” to Him about Izzy and you, and Kendrick and Carter. It’s OK when you say “I don’t have any of that in me today”…because we do. All of us…all the wonderful people who have “liked” Izzy’s page. We do have IT in us. And we are all praying for you guys. We love you more than you will ever know. We will not stop praying and asking God for complete healing for Izzy. And we will not stop praying for strength for all of you to get thru this horrific time. I love you Izzy, Carter, Molly and Kendrick!

  5. No mother, no child, no family should ever have to endure this disease. I am so sorry for the enormity of stress & grief you must be experiencing. Im sending you prayers for strength, courage & healing form Georgia.

  6. My heart is aching for you guys. It is so awful to see your child suffer like this. The tape is awful – Taylor had a severe reaction to the adhesive on her PICC last summer and again on the skin cleanser and bandage they used in surgery. Makes the experience even worse. I imagine that Izzy is upset about all of this, but her constant is that her Mommy is right by her side fighting right along with her. If you need to leave the room to scream, cry, kick/break something – do it, it’s ok. This is hell on earth. But I’m so hopeful that the excellent medical care she’s getting along with Gods healing hands will free her from this cancer. Praying for you guys every day.

  7. I know the lord will help you through this! God bless you and Izzy. Be strong and lean onto the one who holds you close

  8. There’s no reason you should feel like you have to be encouraging or uplifting to us! The weight of the fall is just so heavy to bear, and Satan attacking our precious children is by far the worst of it, in my opinion. It’s okay to let HIM carry you, and just give you the strength you need to get through the day. And He’ll be there tomorrow, too. For you and for Izzy. I can’t help but think that with all you, Kendrick, Carter and Izzy have been through, that for some reason you guys are a huge threat to Satan. God has big plans for you that apparently Satan is trying to thwart. One day at a time, and you guys will get through. And along the way, let those of us who love you guys help in any way we can. Praying like crazy!!

  9. Lifting you, Izzy and your family up to the Lord in prayer everyday.
    May God take away Izzy’s suffering and disease and your grief and pain during this tremendously heart wrenching time. May you only know that so many people care for you, genuinely for you.
    Tomorrow is a new day, a time to hit the reset button.
    I will be holding you and Izzy in extra prayer during these excruciating days ahead!

  10. Just keep processing and writing. It takes the top off the boiling spaghetti pot. People will continue to carry you. You have a large net of supportive people who have driven a stake in the ground and declared “not on my watch.” Rest.

  11. Dear Molly,
    You don’t always have to be strong, lean on us, your family in Christ who will hold you up when you feel you can no longer stand. We will remind you of God’s promises whenever you need us to. Love and prayers to all of you each and every day. Please let me know if there is anything i can do for you and Izzy or for Kendrick and Carter while you are way.

  12. Molly-
    My heart breaks for you and your beautil Izzy! You are strong! You have people all over the world praying for you! Every day!

  13. I am praying that you are all nestled safely in the secret place of God’s love and presence this night and every night after. I pray that you are all so hidden in Him that when the enemy comes raging against you that he cannot find you. Keep your eyes on Jesus through this storm and you will not sink. You will walk on water! I know that Jesus is talking with Izzy in her sleep. He is building her up to endure the challenges before her. I pray for your hearts to be so close to His that you only hear His truths for Izzy and that these truths will silence the sounds of this disease.

    I love you all so much!

    Psalm 27:4,5,6

    One thing I have desired of the Lord, that will I seek:
    that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
    to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in His temple.

    For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavillion;
    in the secret place of His tabernacle He shall hide me;
    He shall set me high upon a rock.

    And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me; therefore I will offer sacrifices of joy in His tabernacle;
    I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the Lord.

    1. Thank you Judy for those words. I come in agreement with you and Molly I continue to pray with you and cry with you and hope with you. Love, Jane

  14. As a mom, feeling such an ache in my heart for you guys that I just can’t find words for. You all cross my mind so many many times a day. Still praying, won’t stop. Just had a picture that the Lord has so many angels crammed in her room that they barely fit… they are practically elbowing eachother to protect and minister to Izzy and you.

    1. What an incredible image (the angels). I can see it too, and I believe it. God has an army behind this. And His army never fails. Praying for you, your extraordinary daughter, son and family, Molly.

  15. My heart is breaking but as I read your final thoughts this verse came to mind…2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. Your are greatly loved Molli and you do not have to have it all together!

  16. Every day I have lifted Izzy up in prayer, fervently pleading with God to heal and restore. And I know that there are so many others praying. I promise to pray specifically each and every night at 10:00 pm and invite others to do so as well.
    1. In praise and thanksgiving, that your family has made it through one more day
    2. For rest and renewal during the night for all of you
    3. For God’s swift and miraculous healing power over Izzy. Please, Lord!!

  17. I’m praying hard for you guys. It breaks my heart for you to have to go through this. I do believe in the power of prayer

  18. Hey Sweet Friend,
    I opened up my emails this morning and I had received the following email from a prophetic group I subscribe to. There are 3 different prophetic words from this lady and I want to encourage you with them.

    The following corporate prophetic word was given by Eileen Fisher on June 12, 2012 during her weekly Prophetic School of the Holy Spirit meeting in Colorado Springs, Colorado:

    “I Command the Wind to Go the Direction of My Kingdom”

    The Lord says, “Ask Me to show you the way.” He said, “Ask Me to command the crooked way to become straight.” He said, “Ask Me to calm the sea that seems to be overtaking you. Ask Me to position you in My peace. I would ask you, are you willing to learn to walk on the water of the storm? Are you willing to put your face against the wind of adversity and have Me put you on My shoulders and carry you above the wind, above the storm? I am lifting up a people to rule and reign in high places. I am lifting up a people who know how to take My Word and command My Word, for it does not return void nor empty. I am looking for a people who will bow down to Me and yet who would also stand for Me. I am looking for a people who will make My Word the yes and the amen.
    “I am looking for a people who will be clean, open vessels yielded to My Spirit. Listen to the stillness of My Spirit. Let Him pull on your hearts. Let Him come into the midst of the whirlwind, of all that seems to have overtaken you. Ask Him to touch down like a tornado to cause the things to scatter that need to scatter, to bring things into order and into balance. I do hold the wind in My hand. I command the wind to go the direction of My Kingdom.
    “I see your hearts, and I see disappointment. I see longing. I see how the enemy would come and plant the seed in the doubt of abandonment. Know he is a liar. Know I will never ever, ever, leave you nor forsake you. I have not called you nor asked you to walk this walk alone. I’ve asked you to lean upon My arm, to lean into My understanding, and to rest and stand in My word. Know what I have begun, I will bring to completion. I ask you to give your will to Me, so I can mold your will to fit My will. Then the two of us shall become one: one in will, one in mind, one in agreement, one in victory,” says the Lord your God.

    The following corporate prophetic word was given by Eileen Fisher on June 19, 2012 during her weekly Prophetic School of the Holy Spirit meeting in Colorado Springs, Colorado:

    “Know that My Hand is About to Move”

    The Lord said, “Open your hands wide.” He said, “I have come to strengthen you. I have seen your hands and I have seen the work of your hands. Some of you have grown so weary in the work of your hands.” He said, “Let Me fill your hands with My grace, My power, My healing and My virtue. Did I not extend My hand to Peter? Did I not pull Peter out of the water? Did I not tell Peter to walk. Then when he began to fall, did I not extend My hand to Peter? Peter was unable to reach My hand, but My hand was ever-ready and able to reach Peter. So it is with each of you and your households, and even your nation. My hand is not short that it can’t save.
    “My hand is going to move in the miraculous. My hand is going to move in stillness and in celebration. My hand is going to move over hearts that have become so disappointed they have moved into despondency, despair, and depression. My hand is going to be laid upon hearts. My hand is going to be laid upon heads that have been seeking a fresh touch of My Spirit. My hand is going to be laid gently upon your back. My hand will propel you and compel you to go and do what I would say in My name. My hands are going to be laid upon your feet and they will become more beautiful because they have been touched by the hand of the Creator. Understand My hand recreates and creates. Know that My hand is about to move. You will hear, you will see and you will know the hand of God is moving fresh, strong, pure, holy and with purpose.
    “This night I would commission your hands. I would commission your hands to receive fresh orders. Orders of assignment, not so much in the natural, but to pull down the strongholds I will show you in the spirit. I say be not quick to move, but be quick to listen. Listen and stand. Stand and let your hands become My hands. As you lift them up and you bring one voice, you will come to understand that I am a proclaiming God. I do proclaim with your voice by My Spirit. Now lay your hands to claim, what I would have you claim for My glory,” says the Lord your God.

    The following corporate prophetic word was given by Eileen Fisher on July 10, 2012 during her weekly Prophetic School of the Holy Spirit meeting in Colorado Springs, Colorado:

    “My Anointing by My Spirit is Your Seal”

    The Lord would say, “There is nothing too hard for Me.” He said, “There is nothing that is too hard for Me. With Me, all things are possible. I would say present the impossible before Me this night. I have invited you to come boldly before My throne of grace. I have invited you to come before the alter of holiness. I have invited you to come and to let yourself rest in My presence. I have invited you to come and partake of My presence. In turn, I am partaking of you.
    “Where there is doubt, I would come and I would put hope and faith. Where this is pain and rejection, I would build you up and appoint you. When man brings disappointment, and when life brings disappointment, I come and I stand before you. I say I present to you an opportunity to receive My appointment. I have called you forth to be appointed. I have called you forth to be a point man for Me, to where I will show you where you are to point your prayers. I will show you where you are to point My word. I will show you where you are to point your strength. To where I will point you and say make a deposit of the anointing I have deposited within you.
    “Those I call, I appoint. Those who say, ‘Yes Lord! Send me,’ I come and I clothe them with power from on high. I do not come and strip My own and leave them naked. That’s how sin left Me. My glory is your cover. My anointing by My Spirit is your seal. I have come to build you up and to strengthen you. I wish tonight for you to breathe in the very essence of My love for each of you. If you could understand the depth of My love, fear would find no landing place. Fear of life nor fear of death, fear of success nor fear of failure, fear would find no landing place, for faith would open the door. I would invite you tonight; let Me seal your faith fresh.”

    Eileen Fisher
    Eileen Fisher Ministries
    Email: eileen@eileenfisher.org

  19. Kendrick, Molly, Carter and Izzy,
    Know that I pray for each of you during this difficult time. I and my family have been praying, not to mention friends and relatives in other states and parts of the country. I pray that God will shine His light upon you and heal Izzy. I pray for strength and peace and comfort for each of you. And I pray these things in the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
    You have so many branches holding you up in prayer, may you find strength in that.
    “My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”

  20. Molly and Kendrick,
    Please just know that Abe, our children Ella and Caroline, and I are all praying for you every day!! We are praying for Izzy’s total 100% healing and for Carter and Izzy and you guys to have the Lord’s peace, comfort, strength, and love lavished on you every second of every day!

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