TRUST

I was in sixth grade the first time I played the TRUST game. I remember when we were told we had to take turns standing on top of a picnic table and falling backwards into the arms of our team members. We looked at one another in terror. The level of trust you had to have in your team was unreal. You had to believe without a shadow of doubt that they would keep their arms out to catch you no matter what. And you couldn’t just believe it in your head, you had to believe it in every square inch of your heart. I can remember standing on top of the table face forward seeing their hands and arms locked together. I turned around and even though I couldn’t see that they were still prepared to catch me, I could hear their voices assuring me that they had me. That they wouldn’t let me fall to the ground. As my heals backed to the edge of the table the adrenaline rose. I quickly questioned one last time if they would really catch me and then I leaned backwards. Falling through the air I panicked for a split second and then felt the security of their arms. They had me and their arms were actually more stable than I had imagined. It was actually a rewarding experience in the end.

I thought about this experience tonight as I lay next to Izzy as she slept. She had just finished her first dose of the chemo drug they are using this round, the one I’m told is “evil.” Initially it shows no side effects and then it explodes with horrendous nausea that lingers on days after the treatment is complete. As I watched her sleeping so peaceful and innocent it broke me to know she had no idea that poison was flowing through her body. I was heart broken over the peace that she was about to lose and the lives that all of us already had when I was struck by the imagery of falling off a picnic table.

I’ll start off by saying this is nothing like falling. I feel like I just got shoved off the worlds tallest picnic table. Like I was thrown violently off the edge with no warning. It’s like I’m free falling through hell and no one has caught me yet. I didn’t know I was going to get pushed so I didn’t get to check out the scene first. I don’t even know how far the drop is or what’s waiting at the bottom if someone doesn’t show up to catch me. I’m told someone will, but I haven’t seen Him. I hear a voice along the fall that promises to catch me even though I doubt it. He promises His arms are more secure than I can imagine.

I can’t sit still in this hospital room. I walk around the halls aimlessly hoping to find something. It’s not the thing you probably think either. I’m not looking for peace or answers even. I’m looking for a way to grieve. I don’t know how to grieve the things in my life I’m in the process of losing. Normalcy. Stability. Being a mother to my son. Watching my daughter go to preschool this year instead of admitted to the hospital every other week. And I grieve seeing what my kids are losing too. They each seem to have lost their best friend. But He’s there, right? Waiting to catch me? Deep down inside I believe it, but somewhere not so deep inside I wonder. If this really is the ultimate game of TRUST so far it sucks.

Earlier today I was listening to a CD in our room for a while Izzy did puzzles with my dad. After I turned it off Izzy said she heard me listening to “Peace When You Cry.” It’s not the title of the song but it’s in the chorus of a song by Matt Hammit called “Holding You.” She asked me to play it again and began to sing the first part of the chorus to us: “Where will you find peace when you cry?” she sang it over and over again as I got the music ready. She said it was her favorite song so I think we’ll keep listening to it this week as things get grim.

See over the past four years I have taught my daughter to trust in the Lord. And now that I’m struggling desperately to do the same, she’s teaching me.

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9 thoughts on “TRUST

  1. Praying for Izzy and for you and your family. Your stories break my heart. Being a mother of 4 daughters and now a grandmother of 8 children I cannot imagine what you and your family are going through. I pray everyday for you all.May God give you the strength to get thru the difficult days ahead and may He find comfort for little Izzy.

  2. “I will find my rest in God alone. He is the One who gives me hope. He alone is my rock. He is the One who saves me. He is like a fort to me. I will always be secure. I depend on God to save me and to honor me. He is my might rock. He is my place of safety. Trust in him at all times, you people. Tell him all of your troubles. God is our place of safety.” Psalms 62:5-8

  3. Molly,
    I don’t think you realize how much your words touch us all. We will be right there grieving the loss of normalcy with you. But remember, He IS there waiting to catch you. I was listening to a song on Klove today called “Right Beside You” by Building 429 and I thought of you. And now I know why. Here is part of the lyrics:
    Hold on, don’t you let go of me
    I’ll be here through it all
    Hold on, when you’re ready to fall
    I will carry you
    I will never leave you
    I will lift you if you fall

    Continue to let Izzy teach you! We love you Molly.
    And again, if you need ANYTHING let me know. I can even drive over to Cinci to sit with you or give you a hug or a shoulder to grieve on.

  4. I had some thoughts as I was praying for Izzy. I think that they may be God thoughts.

    First – I prayed that just as the Drs. are hydrating Izzy to prepare her body for the chemo, that the Holy Spirit is hydrating Izzy with His healing presence and supernatural favor that will wash away the intensity of the side effects. Fill her up Holy Spirit!!

    Second – I thought about how sometimes a business will match a monetary donation. If you give so much then a certain business will match that giving. I sensed that God was saying that He would not only match but would surpass what the Drs. are doing with the chemo. Medicine does what it can do but it is God who takes it to completion. He is pouring out supernatural healing for every drop of chemo that is injected into Izzy’s body. The cancer and the chemo have met their match in the Blood of Jesus! Hallelujah! No weapon formed (either by man or by the devil) against Izzy will prosper!!!! Be healed Izzy! Be healed!

    Thank you Jesus, for the part that the chemo is playing in bringing that healing and we thank You that You are pouring out Your healing exceedingly and abundantly over and above every aspect of that treatment!

  5. Wow! Molly u r such a powerful writer! I continue to pray every time I look down at my purple “team izzy” bracelet! Stay strong! He is there with you all! ❤

  6. We would all like to be those voices of your friends (even when you can’t see us (like your memory above).) … all reminding you, “YES, we are here, but HE is here, too, and He will not fail… He will catch you….. ”
    And just as beautifully, He has Izzy… nothing can separate her from His love!! He’s holding her in the palm of His hand!!
    We love you, Molly!

  7. Let me introduce myself to your precious family….I am Jessica Williams Bowman’s, Mom. She went to school with you at AU. She has introduced us to your special family, and like so many others, my husband & I wear the pink IzzyStrong braclets & pray faithfully for your little princess & her family! My words seem so inadequate, but because I lift Izzy to God’s Throne daily, I wanted you & yours to know we wear a pink reminder proudly & oh so reverently! Please hang on & know that “God will make a Way, when there seems to be NO way”. Thank you for the words you bravely send to others, in the face of horrendous adversity, you write with grace! We are with you in spirit & pray your next vacation comes quickly 🙂

  8. You are strong with the might of God Himself. He never leaves us hopeless. These are lessons He would have us learn, no matter how hard they seem to be in the flesh: patience, kindness, and above all else LOVE. There is soooo much love pouring out to your little girl and your family. Receive it. Embrace it. Feel it.
    It is hard to imagine exactly what you are going through, but being a mother myself, I have an inkling,and I hurt for you. March on…He holds us all in His heart.
    Love and peace Molly

  9. My family got Izzy bracelets at a family wedding recently and my 12 year old wears his almost every day. I told him to pray whenever he takes off or puts on or even notices during the day. The Hayes family may be distant cousins to your family, but your close in our hearts and minds. I have no idea what you need on a daily basis, but will ask for the Lord to provide what it is you need to get you through each and every day.

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