Beautiful Contradiction

When I heard the cat scratching on my bedroom door this morning, I stirred. She continued to scratch and I slowly climbed out of bed and let her in. It wasn’t until my walk back to bed that I remembered: everything fell a part this week. Within seconds, fear and panic, anxiety and horror washed over me, waking me from the normalcy I had just moments before. It’s what I hate every time things fall apart – that moment in the morning when you remember. It happens to all of us and I identified it years ago with things non-related to Izzy or this illness. This brief window in the morning, right after something terrible had happened, when I would forget the terrible thing. I would wake up just like I had on the days before the terrible thing, thinking how good coffee sounded or how cold my toes were. Without the terrible thing in our minds there is room for things of less importance, room for normal things. Then from nowhere, we remember: oh yeah, this terrible thing happened. We find ourselves flooded with tangible emotion as we are forced to remember. The brief window of normalcy is shattered and it gets shattered everyday for weeks until our minds finally accept the new normal. So what really sucks is, not only do we have to find out about the terrible thing the first time, we have to find out about it ten seconds into our morning everyday for weeks. Well played, ‘fallen world.’ Well played.

If you’ve been following us on social media than you know our terrible thing is that we found out about progression of disease in Izzy’s body. One day she was running and playing and the next she couldn’t walk, couldn’t move without excruciating pain in her right leg. Within days we were in the hospital two hours away from home and within a few more days we learned she had a virus in her hip. It was clearing up and we were so happy and then we learned there was disease so many other places. The leg pain ended up leading us to discover progression of disease and without it we would not have known for another month. To say this disease is bad would be a tremendous understatement but I don’t know what else to say without an extreme use of profanity.

Over the six and a half years since Izzy’s diagnosis writing has become my outlet. The more that is happening with her that I cannot find a place for in my heart, I have managed to find a place for in words. Once I put it all down, I rearrange it, read it over and then it somehow fits in my heart in a way I want it to. In a way I feel in control of. When I’m not writing much that’s because there isn’t much to control. Here lately I’ve found blogging to be so overwhelming but I’ve found writing tiny snippets on social media to be so manageable and so therapeutic. I’m writing today to catch you up to where we are and tell you how you can come alongside us in this journey:

1. I don’t have the energy to keep up with this blog the way I have in the past. Social media is going to be the best way you can stay informed of what’s happening with Izzy. Six years ago, five years ago….a lot of years ago I had a lot more energy. I just don’t anymore.

2. Please don’t send me treatment recommendations, I don’t want them. If you already have, you’re forgiven, you didn’t know. But now you do. We have enough decisions to make without being assaulted with more. I cannot tell you how hard it is to make these decisions but I can tell you to stop giving us more decisions to make. We trust Jesus 110% and over the years he has given Kendrick and I the confidence to trust Izzy’s oncology team. If that ever changes we will seek other options.

3. We want your love, your support and your prayers – that’s it. People always say: what can we do? Just love us. Support us. And pray for us. That’s truly what we need the most. I PROMISE you, if we need something I will throw it out there.

4. We are home now and will be until next Saturday when we leave for Florida. The following week we are planning to have Izzy admitted to start a new type of therapy. I do believe this therapy is the best thing left in Neuroblastoma treatment that we haven’t tried. But my heart just isn’t in it right now. Please pray for clarity and direction.

A lot of times I think I want another life, any life but this one. I think I’m exhausted with witnessing this injustice and not seeing the healing I know is possible. I think: how the hell did I get this life? Because it sucks and it’s painful and it just isn’t fair. But then, then she looks at me and smiles. Then she asks me to snuggle with her because when she is afraid and when she is sad I’m the only person in the entire world she wants. And then I think: how the hell did I get so lucky to be the one entrusted in her care? It’s a beautiful contradiction. To hate the life you are so in love with.

Blessings on you today and LIFE for Izzy.

16 Replies to “Beautiful Contradiction”

  1. I am a stranger to both you and Izzy but I have grown to love you both and include you, Izzy, your family and her doctors in my prayers. I will pray for clarity and direction for you and your doctor. I won’t advise, I promise, because I have never walked in your shoes. All I can do is pray and I promise I will continue. Love in Christ.

  2. You have my love and my prayers even though we have never met. My heart aches for you. Thoughts of Izzy and your family pop into my mind and I know I need to stop what I’m doing and pray. Izzy has become to mean so much to so many and praying is all I know I can do. Hugs to the entire family.

  3. Understandable…in time the writing may become less and less because God wants you to use every ounce of your spirit to fight with your daughter. And it will also be a fight to stay present. Those brief moments of peace in the morning when the reality of your existence hasn’t hit…are heavenly bliss. I know this story page by page…as I shared it with you days ago. So I will continue to hold up your child in prayer. May our GOD show you the path of your steps, her steps…swim, laugh, sleep, eat, live joyously because what we can’t control we give to Him. He will guide you all. Thank you for the IG posts. Stay blessed

  4. I’m sure you have no idea how many people are praying for you.Just another stranger that has walked in your shoes.The power of prayer is so amazing.Been following for awhile and just wanted you to know that so many continue to pray for all of you because it dies effect the whole family.God bless you!!

  5. I used to work with Kyle at Payless, and have fallen in love with this child. You have my love, support, and prayers.

  6. Molly, I don’t understand your battle, but you know more than most that I understand the reality of living in a fallen world. What I know is that you are one of the fiercest warriors of the kingdom and I would follow you into battle on any given day. My constant cry is that He would give not just life, but ABUNDANT life to Izzy for decades to come. And not only that, but that His grace would mark Izzy, you, Kendrick and Carter in a way that generations to come are ministered to by your strength and faith in a way that changes lives for eternity. My prayers are with you my beautiful Warrior Friend!

  7. My heart breaks for all of you. I know we aren’t to question why this beautiful little girl has to suffer, but I can’t help but wonder why. I do know God hears our prayers and you are all in my prayers each day to give you strength and comfort. God bless.

  8. I’ve lost track of how long I’ve been following you. Recently I learned my daughter, a mother to her own daughter, follows you. I’m pleased by that. That smidgen of time in the AM before real life reminds us a smidgen is all we have, my hope for you is that those smidgens get all sewn and connected together and that someday you will awaken one morning and have enough ‘smidgens’ to breathe into it and relax into it and feel the joy and healing and warmth and normalcy it CAN bring. I pray for you and your Izzy. I wish I could comfort you in some more tangible way, but I’m doing the best I can given the situation. I want to THANK YOU for staying in close touch with us out here in facebook land. When I don’t see you post for a day or three I worry. Mother’s do that. They worry and love without bounds and throw up with fear and plead for answers and chances and peace and smiles and healing. I am now praying for peace for you and Izzy’s father and brother and most of all, for sweet Izzy. Prayers and prayers and prayers. Judy

  9. My heart goes out to you both and I will continue to keep you and Izzy and the doctors in my prayers. Keep trusting in Jesus.

  10. I’ve never met you but I pray for your beautiful Izzy and all of you. I will continue to pray for all of you as you walk this journey.

  11. We don’t understand Gods purpose, only that he knows the beginning & the end. My prayers are for you to feel his love as you travel this journey of life & know that he loves you & is with you every step of the way. Our prayers for comfort for each of you as you face the choices you must make & watch as Izzy suffers. Gods blessings on your family.

  12. I have been following Izzy’s story for a long time. My husband and I both pray continually for Izzy, you, and your family. Our hearts are broken for you. We will be praying for you all to have strength, peace, clarity and direction. We support you in our prayers, knowing that is the best thing we can do to help. You all are loved and deeply cared about. Thank you for sharing, Molly. Your writings are so beautiful. They reveal to us all how & what to pray to the LORD. Izzy, you and your family are loved by countless people, and most of all, loved by the LORD JESUS! Prayers & love and LIFE for Izzy!

  13. I have seen the power of prayer work in our lives and it’s amazing… ! We will continue to pray daily…

    With Love,

  14. Absolutely beautiful. I feel God when I read your words. Prayers for continued strength, faith, and peace.🙏🏻

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